thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
