i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
