In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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