she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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