these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
