For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
