No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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