I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
