Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
