Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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