i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
