I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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