his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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