very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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