But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
