morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
