is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
