I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
