My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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