I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
