somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
