these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
