I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
