Can Purell be used as lube?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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