never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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