my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
