I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
