Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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