Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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