The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
