You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
