found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
