my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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