the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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