my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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