Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Randomize
