My nipple is on Facebook.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
