When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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