I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
