Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
