And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
