walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
