Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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