And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
