just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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