Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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