Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
