There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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