hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
