I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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